The Visit

A few days after visiting the ER, my Mother and I were heading to the nephrologist’s office to receive what we hoped would be a better diagnoses. As we were outside walking toward the doctors office, I could not make it to the office I found myself so out of breath to the point that I collapsed in the bushes. She had to get a wheelchair just so I could get into the office. As we waited for the Doctor, I don’t remember a lot, I just knew that I was very sick and didn’t want to believe that I had this disease nor did I want to go on dialysis. There had to be a mistake. The ER read something wrong or got my chart mixed up with someone else’s. An error had occurred and it was simply going to be cleared up with this visit. As my Mother and I walked in and sat down, there were so many thoughts that came to my mind. One was that I was not meant to be on dialysis. I was way too young to start. When the nephrologist walked in, he started asking me the normal questions that most would ask. As I answered them I asked him, “Are you sure that I need to go on dialysis?” He studied my blood work. He was positive that I needed to begin treatment. There were two options: I could either go to the larger teaching hospital or the one closer to my home. Then he looked at my Mom and said that she may have to make the decision for me because I might not be thinking clearly. The world I had created for myself, all the dreams and desires seemed to crumble that day. The very strength that I thought I had was gone. A feeling of loneliness permeated throughout me. Then I looked at my Mom. I now wonder what she thought. Could she have thought, “Am I going to lose this son that I longed for? The one that I raised. Is he going to be a memory? One that I will visit every now in the cemetery and then on his birthday or the holidays?” How traumatizing for her. Within a few minutes, we made the decision to go to the hospital closer to home and start dialysis. Sitting on the bench outside, I sat down and the tears started to flow. I did not think that I had the strength to do this, but somewhere deep inside a voice said that I could and would be much better for it.