Broken but not Beaten.

The mind is like a garden: what you plant is what you can expect to receive. Also what you allow other people to plant is what you will harvest. 

Once the Dr said those fateful words my mind translated them into poison for the mind and death for the soul. 

Let me recap what he said.

Doc: Young man your phos is too high if something does not change  you may go into calciphylaxis within 6 months which can lead to a slow and painful death. 

What I heard was a little different. I heard him say that I had 6 months to live and then death. While this was not what he said and I do want to say that it was not necessarily a bad thing. But it probably was not the most positive thing to say. In fact It made an negative impact not only on my life but on my mind. Through the rest of the treatment I joked and talked to the nurses but also I got the point that I needed to change something. During that treatment I started to change. As Jim Rohn say Everything will change for you if you change. I started to research food that was lower in phos and also made a commitment to myself that I would change.

It was after the treatment that the battle came. As I grabbed my bag and walked to my truck and got in to drive home is when I broke.

I broke physically,mentally,spiritually,emotionally and every other way you can think of. My hands gripped the steering wheel and tears came streaming down my face in defeat. The negative thought came in like a flood and I started to slowly drown in a negative sea of thoughts all alone. Why not just wave the white flag and say enough I am done and this is not worth it anymore. You gave it your best and you have been defeated, there is no victory here for you. The pain and agony of sitting in the chair is not worth it is it? 

As the tears poured down my face,some other thoughts raced through my mind. What about my wife I had only been married for about a year and a half, was she to be a widow at such an early age. What about my parents and sister? Would they go to the graveside certain times of the year to mourn the son and brother they had lost. Was I strong enough to overcome this? Why not just give up there is not use going on you will fail again. I am a failure and won’t win. 

By saying or even thinking that you are a failure without looking and learning the lesson can steal the life, the dream, the vision that you have and turn it into an impossible road that not even you can climb.

I have seen these thoughts of this nature overtake the mind of others and it was not long until they never returned. On the way home the tears still came and the thoughts persisted. Once home I gathered myself together and went into the house. Not one word was uttered to my wife or family, there was no need for them to worry about me, this was my battle to fight and my victory to take no matter how hard it may be. Over the next few months I faced some of the worst mind battles I had ever experienced. I have said many times that this was the closest I had ever been to death, now in my life I have come face to face with death on many occasions but never one so close. For if my mind gave into these thoughts then my body would give in to the disease and then my spirit to the grave. You say what the doctor said to you did all that, yes it did but not just him it was me as well. It all plays a part in fact I want you to get this lesson. Looking back, the main one at fault was the broken man in the mirror, the one that gave into the bad choices and chose not to readjust his steps. The one that said one more piece of cheese won’t hurt. The one that said I will take care of it next month. It was me and the next few months would determine if I was tough enough, strong enough for the next step in my life. 

It is in your darkest despair that you may find like I did a hiding place. A place that I would be able to go to refresh and be fed and that place could not be found soon enough.

Until next time there are a few things you can do. First subscribe to the blog so you don’t miss any new and exciting content. Share what you have learned for it may help someone along the way and finally “Stay encouraged along your journey, you my friend are one step closer to the next peak.”

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