When I was diagnosed with Kidney Disease stage 5, I remember asking the nephrologist would my kidneys come back? Would dialysis forever be a forever thing? Was this my life? The answer that was given, gave me some hope that this thing called dialysis could possibly end very soon.
He said that it looked as though I was ESRD and my kidneys would not regain function. But……. that they was a small chance that they could come back and if they did we would know with in a month or two.
Through my first few treatments I was always looking at different things that would let me know if they were working. From my weight gains in between treatment to checking my blood pressure to see if had dropped any “even though I was taking medication it was still high” and checking my labs.
Why would I do these things you may ask? It was called hope. Hope that I would regain function, hope that I would not have to do dialysis anymore, hope that no fistula would be needed (There is a post coming on this subject very soon) and hope that I would not have to have surgery such as a kidney transplant.
I had been asking my care team if they knew if my kidneys were regaining function. They said the Doctor will talk to you about this on his upcoming rounds. I am sure you can imagine how anxious I was for there was still hope that they would come back. Finally the doctor was doing rounds and then he came to see me. What he said is hard to get out of my mind even today. When I asked about my kidney regaining function he said according to the labs, my levels were better but that my GFR (Glumor Filtration Rate) was still in the 3-5 range. Which meant my kidneys had not regained function, and my levels were only better due to dialysis.
If felt as though someone punched me in the stomach. I wanted to cry out but tried to play it off and not show how I felt. I mean who would want to see me bawl my eyes out. No, no this is not the place I said to myself maybe later. Once I got home and everyone went to bed is when it hit. Thoughts like I was ESRD, dialysis was my life and I would need to get a fistula very soon along with getting a referral to transplant. So many things were on my mind and along with these feelings a sense of loss, fear, hopelessness and disappointment. With all these feeling it was almost too much to bear the load and yes I did cry that night. Many thoughts came to my mind such as, What would happen next? Would I die while I was on dialysis? Was I even strong enough to make it? This was not just a one night experience but it would come back through out my time on dialysis some nights worse than others.
What brought me through these long nights you may ask? Faith and hope, Faith that things were going to get better and hope that tomorrow held better day. Being deemed ESRD made me a stronger and better person and this experience I look back now, and I am thankful for this experience. Not everyone will look at a challenging situation with a positive attitude but if you do you will come out for the better for it. To those that may be facing this or something similar. Understand its Ok to feel emotion and to cry but I encourage you to also look at the positive things in life. Remember you are stronger today than you were yesterday and you can win.
Tune in next week to read the next exciting part of my journey. Getting my battle scars and don’t forgot to subscribe so you don’t miss any new and exciting content.